Safe Marriages
By: Mike Dawson
“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Matthew 6:21
Would you consider your marriage to be safe?
What does it mean to be in a relationship that is emotionally safe? Generally when we talk about safety in marriage, physical safety first comes to mind; but few couples consciously think about creating a safe environment emotionally for one another. What are we talking about, and why is it important?
First, let’s talk about what it means to feel emotionally safe. Emotional or relational safety means feeling accepted; there is no judgment or criticism. A person can communicate honestly, be themselves and know their deepest thoughts, feelings, hurts and experiences will be honored and treated with care. When you feel safe, you do not need to prove, or impress. It allows you and your partner to be real and genuine with one another without fear; fear of being rejected, criticized, misunderstood, and feeling inadequate or insignificant. You feel free to be open and honest, true to yourself and without regrets.
When a person feels emotional or relational safety they:
Feel their partner cares for them
Know what they feel and think matters
Can be different and yet still accepted
Have a good balance of time alone and as a couple
Are comfortable that unhealthy words and actions will not be present
Feel free to be open and vulnerable
Feel they are partners in the relationship and can make decisions together
Can equally be heard and understood
Compassion and understanding create safety!
Why is establishing safety essential for great relationships? We were created for relationship and we all desire to be close, connected and have intimacy with others; it’s in our genes. When we feel safe, we can be open and vulnerable with others. When we feel threatened emotionally, we have a natural, physiological reaction of “fight or flight.” We feel insecure, unsafe and our heart and soul become closed off, defensive and disconnected from our spouse. Ultimately, intimacy in relationships depends on emotional and relational safety. When we feel well cared for by our spouse, it is safe for us to be fully ourselves and makes it easier to communicate and solve problems. Safety and feeling you are cared for come before problem solving takes place.
Consider how you view your spouse. When you think about them do you see their heart? Do you see them as valuable and as a “treasure?” Think about the characteristics of a treasure. A treasure is very valuable; it has great worth; and it is also extremely vulnerable, just as your spouse’s heart is. When we recognize and accept our spouse as a valuable treasure, we will demonstrate by our words and actions that they are worth protecting.
Creating a safe marriage involves both attitude and action. So, how do we create the emotional safety we all desire and need? Here are a few suggestions:
View your spouse as valuable, precious, a treasure.
Treat your spouse in words and actions with care, compassion and sensitivity.
Be a trustworthy person-follow through on your promises, keep your word.
Do not judge or criticize
Learn to respect and embrace your differences and make them work for the relationship.
Be committed to demonstrating your love and support with consistency (words of affirmation, affection, time together, romance, etc.).
Listen with your heart: be “in tune” with your spouse’s emotions.
Ask yourself some questions: When does my marriage feel safe? When does it feel unsafe? What is happening when the relationship feels safe, unsafe? How do I contribute to an unsafe emotional environment? What words or behaviors do I use that are unsafe? What could I change that would impact the safety of my marriage?
Have you considered making your marriage a totally safe place emotionally and relationally? When we focus on being safe for our spouse, we are inviting them to open their heart and soul to us so we can have the open, loving relationship we desire and were created to have. See your spouse as a person of great worth and value, and then treat them accordingly.
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.” 1 John 4:18
Be safe!
Mike